I am about to dive into a final round of revisions on my women's fiction, THE FANTASY LIFE OF A MIDDLE-AGED WIFE. So, in that spirit, I thought it would be interesting (and nerve-wracking, natch) to see what y'all thought of the opening words of this manuscript:
Begin Excerpt:
We’d been having sex for approximately six minutes, according to the alarm clock on my nightstand, which meant it would soon be over.
My husband groaned as he moved against me. I was in the position Jason usually preferred—on my hands and knees, facing away from him, with no opportunity for kissing or eye contact. He shifted his hips and pounded into me and I moaned in pleasure and frustration, knowing as good as it felt I wouldn’t be able to get there in this position, at least not as fast as I’d need to.
Concentrating hard, I clenched my eyes and sorted through my trusty catalog of erotic fantasies and settled on the image of Jason moving over me, cradled between my thighs, arms clutched around my shoulders and his body hunched over mine as he devoured me in a kiss and ground his pelvic bone into mine again and again.
“Mmm, Jas,” I moaned. Closer…
The fantasy shifted. Jason had me pinned against a wall, arms under my knees holding me open as he stood and thrust between my thighs. His muscles bunched and rippled between us as I held tight to his thick shoulders. Oh, closer. Then he was sitting underneath me on the couch, big hands guiding my hips up and down as his pubic bone rubbed my clit and his hot mouth tormented my nipples.
So close. Gonna work this time! Just a little more. Jus a little—
With a grunt, Jason stilled and his erection pulsed inside me.
Damn, damn. Double damn. I groaned and hung my head.
He patted my bottom. “Mmm, Sasha, that sounded good.” He squeezed my hips and pulled out.
Huh? Does he think? Nooo. Really?
I flopped down onto my stomach, still panting and aroused—and definitely not satisfied—and pulled the sheet up over me. Part of me wanted to yell, “Hey, Clueless Joe, my turn!” But time constraints always chased the big O away, and we were already pushing our morning schedule. Not to mention, my asking would burst his I-just-satisfied-my-wife bubble. I didn’t want to risk a fight.
As he walked into the bathroom, my thoughts cycled through to my to-do list for the day: defrost the lasagna for dinner, remind Lily to take her P.E. clothes to school, hit the gym for 45 minutes on the elliptical, dry cleaners, bank, work—we were still doing inventory today. I sighed. Maybe O could find a spot on the list this evening.
Ten minutes later, Jason walked out of the bathroom showered, mostly dressed, and looking fine as always. Tall and trim with brown eyes and light brown hair, Jason’s athletic body still appealed to me the way it did when we’d met twenty-two years before. He was less toned in the middle, and had just a touch of grey at the temples and laugh lines at the corners of his eyes, but somehow it all made him even sexier. Why do men wear age so much better than women? (504 words)
End ExcerptSo, thoughts? Accolades? Rotten tomatoes? Advice not to quit my day job? Damn, my finger nails are not going to survive this blogfest, are they?
Thanks for reading, and be kind kthxbye,
Laura
12 comments:
Stopping by from CMIUC blogfest.
No harse words for this. I loved it and you left me wanting more LOL. This scene was all so real and could have been me....Great job!
Dude, no tomatoes or anything bad. That was so real... seriously. Can't wait to read the rest of it!
You already know I loved it!
Most definitely intriguing dear! You want to know how they got to ho-hum, has it always been that way, can they get it back? What's she gonna do? So yes, definitely attention grabbing!
No harsh words here, either. I just want her to say something, slap him silly, anything to get his attention. I mean, really? This man needs to open his eyes! ; ) Good stuff.
That was great, Laura! The first line was absolutely phenomenal. I do the exact same thing lol, staring at the clock. It's a really great opening.
The only part that lost me a little was once they're finished and she flops down on the bed. Once she starts thinking to herself, for me, I thought it sounded a little heavy on the telling rather than showing. It was still really interesting, but it jarred me out of the story because the first part was such intense, deep POV and SO much showing (both great things) that the contrast was surprising.
Great job, girl!
-Kaitlyn
Nocturnal Readings
Great voice and it's established immediately in the first line. Good work.
"We’d been having sex for approximately six minutes, according to the alarm clock on my nightstand, which meant it would soon be over." And I officially love this story.
But seriously, that line made me giggle so hard. I'm still sort of chuckling. All around, great work! Seems like a very authentic portrayal of an unsatisfied house wife. I feel bad for her though...she should at least tell him to make her a sandwich. Lol!
Awesome work! Thanks for sharing :)
Wow! I would definitely keep reading!!
And good morning! Well, it could have been.
This was really good.
HMG
I agree. I loved the first line. It set the tone for the rest of the story. Well done (or almost done in Sasha's case.)
After reading the excerpt, I'm not sure what Sasha wants [besides the big O] or what potentially stands in here way. That said, your story has great voice and that alone, at this point, would keep me reading.
Thanks for sharing, Natasha Hanova
Thanks to everyone who stopped by. I still hope to drop by more bloggers' excerpts in the coming days. Monday and Tuesday turned out to be unexpectedly insane for me, and I didn't get to as many as I wanted to. I appreciate your thoughts on my excerpt, though. In late March, I'm diving into the final revision push, and I'll take all your comments into consideration! Thanks guys!
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